Oldie But a Goodie - Mom Is Losing It.

I found this old blog on my other site, and I had to post it here. I wanted to relive the funny.


Ok, so I am sure everyone has already heard me talk about my family. You know I have quite unique parents...I mean come on, haven't you heard me do my mom's voice? "Kelllaleee". Anyways, the follow is a very true and very real account of some funny as hell stuff that went down yesterday... all while I was at work...
The phone rings while I'm sitting up front at work...
It's mom...
"What's up mom?"
"Kelly, have you been down at my house takin a shower?" - This wouldn't be funny but I, as you know, live across the road from my parents...and have two quite functional showers already.
"Um, no...I have my own showers...why?"
"Are you sure"
"Yeah mom, I have my own...whats up with your shower"
"Well I have a white hair dryer and it's gone...now a blue one is laying in it's place"
"Maybe dad bought a new one mom...I mean don't even use a hairdryer so I know I didn't do it"
"Are you sure you didn't take it, you can tell me"
"Yeah mom, I do not use them..."
So that phone conversation ended...I thought it was over...oh no, that sneaky little hair dryer wouldn't be disreguarded that easily!
Bout 2 hours later...
"Kelly I asked your dad and he didn't touch it, are you sure you didn't take it?"
Dad is on the other phone...quite mad it seems
"Kelly just give you mom her damn hairdryer...she's jumpin on me about it and I didn't touch it"
"I don't have it guys, Have you seen my hair? I don't use a hair dryer!!!"
"Kelly, are you telling us that someone broke in our house and stole the hair dryer and replaced it with a blue one?"
"I guess they did!!! Why don't you just use the blue one?"
"It don't look too good... I mean I had a white one... Come on Kelly just bring it back, I won't be mad, just go ahead and give it back to me"
I think I hung up on both of them then
I call the sister...she had been called too...
"Sis I think our parents are slipping slowly into senility"
"Yeah, they are crazy as shit... I mean I don't even have a key to their house...guess I went down there and broke in and stole their hairdryer and replaced it with mine just to fuck with em"
I'll end the chatting there...cause as we all know my sister, the language just went on from there...
I recieved two more phone calls over the course of the night that went about the same way...
Let me end this by saying this morning mom comes to my house and tells me that she thinks something fishy is going on with her hairdryer...like she thinks the crazy neighbor might have broke in or something.
Moral of this story...Mom and dad are getting matching hair dryers for christmas, one for each, with their name on it...and maybe a gift certificate to a mental health facility...
Oh, and if you are gonna steal someones hairdryer...I guess don't leave your own behind...that obviously just messes with em.

***I did get them matching dryers for christmas. They each had their names written on them in black marker. Mom opened hers and said "I still think you took it...."

Stuffed Dead Deer and Macaroni Cooler Woman...Family Reunions

Anyone can say that they have a crazy family. But what is the actual determining factor that really helps your family cross that line from a little odd to all the way effing crazy? I promise you can usually find out…at your family reunion!

So our family reunion is this Sunday…in the mountains of North Carolina. As usual, I am going, with the BF, and we are going to sit back and watch the fun ensue. Let me paint the picture of our mountain reunion and why my family is way past crazy…

Our reunion is held in an old barn. That should put up red flags right away. There are youngins everywhere…cause you know the crazies like to reproduce. Then there are the family members you see there that you hate to admit are related to you…

In Charge - Crazy Old Woman, Who No One Knows
For the past 6 years or so there has been this little old woman who acts as if she is in charge of everything. She goes back and rearranges the food on the table, announces all kinds of deaths and births in the family for the previous year, and plans ODD games for everyone to play. Last year she gave everyone some fish tank rocks and walked around with a fish bowl telling everyone to put their marbles in the bowl in memory of someone, and tell everyone else about it. Me and all of my cousins couldn’t keep from laughing because EVERYONE was looking at her like she was crazy. I gave my rocks to my grandma and said she could do it, she knew more dead people than me. She told me she wasn’t doing it, that woman was crazy.

Best part, no one, including my granny, one of the main founders of the family, knows who this crazy woman is. We assume she just like to show up and act like she is in our family…

Macaroni Cooler Lady
This is a real treat in our family. Macaroni Cooler Lady is this loud obnoxious woman who always shows up in knit shorts with a huge igloo cooler full of crappy macaroni. That is all she brings. Every year, for as long as I can remember. Then when it is coming to a close she fills up the cooler with everyone’s leftovers and takes it home. We take bets every year what color knit shorts she will have on. Seriously. I hope I am VERY distantly related to her. I am putting my money on hot pink this year…

The Family Member in Jail
That’s right. This year my mom told me that she had to go to the reunion because her cousin was getting out of jail for the day to come see her. I believe she was in jail for running a meth lab? Nothing but class.

So folks, when you feel that your family is crazy just because your mom runs around the block in her house coat (I have done this) or because your dad collects stuffed dead animals (mine) or because your grandpa trolls the roads on his golf cart telling everyone to slow down (again, mine)…just remember…it could be worse.