The Aftermath, and Why Aren't I Mentioned In Textbooks?

So, as planned I attended the yearly family reunion yesterday. Of course Mr. Big decided to sleep in and miss the festivities…so I was left alone with the nut bags that are my extended family.

Macaroni cooler lady was there in full force. Much to my surprise though, she was in capris! We were so shocked by the lack of knit shorts that we just couldn’t control ourselves.

Family member in jail was there. She acted as if she were away at a resort though. “I’ll be back from my break in about six months”. And obviously they give prison highlights now instead of prison tattoos.

Best part of the day was when “crazy family member who thinks they are in charge, who no one really knows who they are” started her festivities. Let me paint the picture.

She brought her own karaoke machine. I do not lie. While we were all sitting around eating our questionable reunion food (I opted for the KFC on the table. I know the Kernel; he can’t mess up his chicken. It is finger lickin good.). Half way through my chicken leg I hear the craziness begin. “I know you are all still eating but we have to get this show on the road. Let’s all get up and stand in a circle and hold hands.” I kid you not. People started to file out of there at an alarming pace. My cousin and I decided to hang out for a minute to see what odd thing she had planned. She started passing around fabric flower petals to everyone. She then brought out a vase so as we stood in a circle, holding hands, we could drop our petal in the vase in memory of someone. She also added that she would be singing while they did this. Me and my cuz jumped ship at that point!

The absolute best part was before we all ate, crazy herself began to talk about our family. She stated that we were the first settlers. I believe that she meant we were the first settlers of that area, but they made it sound as if we had been on the same ship with old Chris Columbus. Being the smartasses that we are, me and my cousin made a field day of this, commenting on how there was no corn on the dinner table, or maize as the Indians taught us when our family first settled this land. I then wondered to myself which ship my great, great, great, great, great (etc) grand pappy was on, the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria. I figured it had the be the Pinta. It is kind of close to sounding like a Pinto car…and we are just that kind of family.

Either way, I am quite proud of my new found conquistador heritage.

And I am quite terrified to ever go back to my family reunion.

Stuffed Dead Deer and Macaroni Cooler Woman...Family Reunions

Anyone can say that they have a crazy family. But what is the actual determining factor that really helps your family cross that line from a little odd to all the way effing crazy? I promise you can usually find out…at your family reunion!

So our family reunion is this Sunday…in the mountains of North Carolina. As usual, I am going, with the BF, and we are going to sit back and watch the fun ensue. Let me paint the picture of our mountain reunion and why my family is way past crazy…

Our reunion is held in an old barn. That should put up red flags right away. There are youngins everywhere…cause you know the crazies like to reproduce. Then there are the family members you see there that you hate to admit are related to you…

In Charge - Crazy Old Woman, Who No One Knows
For the past 6 years or so there has been this little old woman who acts as if she is in charge of everything. She goes back and rearranges the food on the table, announces all kinds of deaths and births in the family for the previous year, and plans ODD games for everyone to play. Last year she gave everyone some fish tank rocks and walked around with a fish bowl telling everyone to put their marbles in the bowl in memory of someone, and tell everyone else about it. Me and all of my cousins couldn’t keep from laughing because EVERYONE was looking at her like she was crazy. I gave my rocks to my grandma and said she could do it, she knew more dead people than me. She told me she wasn’t doing it, that woman was crazy.

Best part, no one, including my granny, one of the main founders of the family, knows who this crazy woman is. We assume she just like to show up and act like she is in our family…

Macaroni Cooler Lady
This is a real treat in our family. Macaroni Cooler Lady is this loud obnoxious woman who always shows up in knit shorts with a huge igloo cooler full of crappy macaroni. That is all she brings. Every year, for as long as I can remember. Then when it is coming to a close she fills up the cooler with everyone’s leftovers and takes it home. We take bets every year what color knit shorts she will have on. Seriously. I hope I am VERY distantly related to her. I am putting my money on hot pink this year…

The Family Member in Jail
That’s right. This year my mom told me that she had to go to the reunion because her cousin was getting out of jail for the day to come see her. I believe she was in jail for running a meth lab? Nothing but class.

So folks, when you feel that your family is crazy just because your mom runs around the block in her house coat (I have done this) or because your dad collects stuffed dead animals (mine) or because your grandpa trolls the roads on his golf cart telling everyone to slow down (again, mine)…just remember…it could be worse.

Sweat Your Ass Off ♥

So, I know I am not the only one to notice that it is like 200 degrees outside here lately. I talk myself out of actually going places because I know that the heat will make me sweaty.

I sweat my ass off.

Ever heard the expression? If you are ever around foul mouth complainers (like myself) then I am sure you have.

How great would it be if it were actually true? Like you get out of your car after a long drive when the air conditioning is taking it's own sweet time to cool things off...and you look down. There it is! A little pile of ass that you sweated off. A little pile of fleshing looking material...dimples included. Woo hoo, look at me. A one hour hot car trip and I am a half size smaller! I, for one, would be suffering the heat a lot more often. I would come to work and be like "don't mind that, it's just some of my ass."

But alas...that is not the case!

What happens is you just sweat, even you ass.

It has happened to all of us. Your hanging out in the heat and everything, behind knees, forehead, cleavage, and the ass...all start to sweat. What is worse, when the sweat becomes noticeable to others. It is OK to be a sloppy mess for only you to know about...but when your sweaty pits or what have you begin to show signs on your clothes, you have a problem.

I went to an outdoor graduation Friday. One such woman was located directly in front of me. She was wearing too tight khaki shorts and odd clunky heels. As she bent over, I saw it. I sweat line going down the entire length of her butt seam. Come to think of it, as much sweat as it was, it was quite possible she WAS sweating her actual ass off.

So I leave you with this. Be cool and try to stay dry on these hot summer days. But, if that is not an option. Be like me, and wear a nice knit sundress out, so all the crack sweat will never be noticeable. And if you see me out, in said dress, just assume that I am losing that ass, as we speak.

"Sex in Greensboro"...It just doesn't have the same ring to it...

Who else is just about to pee their pants in anticipation for the Sex and the City movie?
I, for one, am. I LOVED LOVED LOVED the show. I own all the seasons and watch them everytime I sew. I bet I have seen every episode atleast 35 times each. Seriously. No Lie. I love that show that freakineg much. I guess it has something to do with wanting to be like these women. I love their clothes and attitudes. I love it all.
For some reason, I just don't think that I can dress like that in Greensboro. Also, I feel that if I were to sleep with that many people, in the area where I live, I feel I might get a name for myself, as my mom would say.
I want to get all dressed up in fancy clothes and heels (of course) and go see the movie, cosmo in hand. Any volunteers to be my Samantha...cause I am totally a Carrie. :)


Check out my store this week! I am now including a kitschy gift pouch with every item!
www.cherriesrockmysocks.etsy.com