The Aftermath, and Why Aren't I Mentioned In Textbooks?

So, as planned I attended the yearly family reunion yesterday. Of course Mr. Big decided to sleep in and miss the festivities…so I was left alone with the nut bags that are my extended family.

Macaroni cooler lady was there in full force. Much to my surprise though, she was in capris! We were so shocked by the lack of knit shorts that we just couldn’t control ourselves.

Family member in jail was there. She acted as if she were away at a resort though. “I’ll be back from my break in about six months”. And obviously they give prison highlights now instead of prison tattoos.

Best part of the day was when “crazy family member who thinks they are in charge, who no one really knows who they are” started her festivities. Let me paint the picture.

She brought her own karaoke machine. I do not lie. While we were all sitting around eating our questionable reunion food (I opted for the KFC on the table. I know the Kernel; he can’t mess up his chicken. It is finger lickin good.). Half way through my chicken leg I hear the craziness begin. “I know you are all still eating but we have to get this show on the road. Let’s all get up and stand in a circle and hold hands.” I kid you not. People started to file out of there at an alarming pace. My cousin and I decided to hang out for a minute to see what odd thing she had planned. She started passing around fabric flower petals to everyone. She then brought out a vase so as we stood in a circle, holding hands, we could drop our petal in the vase in memory of someone. She also added that she would be singing while they did this. Me and my cuz jumped ship at that point!

The absolute best part was before we all ate, crazy herself began to talk about our family. She stated that we were the first settlers. I believe that she meant we were the first settlers of that area, but they made it sound as if we had been on the same ship with old Chris Columbus. Being the smartasses that we are, me and my cousin made a field day of this, commenting on how there was no corn on the dinner table, or maize as the Indians taught us when our family first settled this land. I then wondered to myself which ship my great, great, great, great, great (etc) grand pappy was on, the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria. I figured it had the be the Pinta. It is kind of close to sounding like a Pinto car…and we are just that kind of family.

Either way, I am quite proud of my new found conquistador heritage.

And I am quite terrified to ever go back to my family reunion.

Oldie But a Goodie - Mom Is Losing It.

I found this old blog on my other site, and I had to post it here. I wanted to relive the funny.


Ok, so I am sure everyone has already heard me talk about my family. You know I have quite unique parents...I mean come on, haven't you heard me do my mom's voice? "Kelllaleee". Anyways, the follow is a very true and very real account of some funny as hell stuff that went down yesterday... all while I was at work...
The phone rings while I'm sitting up front at work...
It's mom...
"What's up mom?"
"Kelly, have you been down at my house takin a shower?" - This wouldn't be funny but I, as you know, live across the road from my parents...and have two quite functional showers already.
"Um, no...I have my own showers...why?"
"Are you sure"
"Yeah mom, I have my own...whats up with your shower"
"Well I have a white hair dryer and it's gone...now a blue one is laying in it's place"
"Maybe dad bought a new one mom...I mean don't even use a hairdryer so I know I didn't do it"
"Are you sure you didn't take it, you can tell me"
"Yeah mom, I do not use them..."
So that phone conversation ended...I thought it was over...oh no, that sneaky little hair dryer wouldn't be disreguarded that easily!
Bout 2 hours later...
"Kelly I asked your dad and he didn't touch it, are you sure you didn't take it?"
Dad is on the other phone...quite mad it seems
"Kelly just give you mom her damn hairdryer...she's jumpin on me about it and I didn't touch it"
"I don't have it guys, Have you seen my hair? I don't use a hair dryer!!!"
"Kelly, are you telling us that someone broke in our house and stole the hair dryer and replaced it with a blue one?"
"I guess they did!!! Why don't you just use the blue one?"
"It don't look too good... I mean I had a white one... Come on Kelly just bring it back, I won't be mad, just go ahead and give it back to me"
I think I hung up on both of them then
I call the sister...she had been called too...
"Sis I think our parents are slipping slowly into senility"
"Yeah, they are crazy as shit... I mean I don't even have a key to their house...guess I went down there and broke in and stole their hairdryer and replaced it with mine just to fuck with em"
I'll end the chatting there...cause as we all know my sister, the language just went on from there...
I recieved two more phone calls over the course of the night that went about the same way...
Let me end this by saying this morning mom comes to my house and tells me that she thinks something fishy is going on with her hairdryer...like she thinks the crazy neighbor might have broke in or something.
Moral of this story...Mom and dad are getting matching hair dryers for christmas, one for each, with their name on it...and maybe a gift certificate to a mental health facility...
Oh, and if you are gonna steal someones hairdryer...I guess don't leave your own behind...that obviously just messes with em.

***I did get them matching dryers for christmas. They each had their names written on them in black marker. Mom opened hers and said "I still think you took it...."

Stuffed Dead Deer and Macaroni Cooler Woman...Family Reunions

Anyone can say that they have a crazy family. But what is the actual determining factor that really helps your family cross that line from a little odd to all the way effing crazy? I promise you can usually find out…at your family reunion!

So our family reunion is this Sunday…in the mountains of North Carolina. As usual, I am going, with the BF, and we are going to sit back and watch the fun ensue. Let me paint the picture of our mountain reunion and why my family is way past crazy…

Our reunion is held in an old barn. That should put up red flags right away. There are youngins everywhere…cause you know the crazies like to reproduce. Then there are the family members you see there that you hate to admit are related to you…

In Charge - Crazy Old Woman, Who No One Knows
For the past 6 years or so there has been this little old woman who acts as if she is in charge of everything. She goes back and rearranges the food on the table, announces all kinds of deaths and births in the family for the previous year, and plans ODD games for everyone to play. Last year she gave everyone some fish tank rocks and walked around with a fish bowl telling everyone to put their marbles in the bowl in memory of someone, and tell everyone else about it. Me and all of my cousins couldn’t keep from laughing because EVERYONE was looking at her like she was crazy. I gave my rocks to my grandma and said she could do it, she knew more dead people than me. She told me she wasn’t doing it, that woman was crazy.

Best part, no one, including my granny, one of the main founders of the family, knows who this crazy woman is. We assume she just like to show up and act like she is in our family…

Macaroni Cooler Lady
This is a real treat in our family. Macaroni Cooler Lady is this loud obnoxious woman who always shows up in knit shorts with a huge igloo cooler full of crappy macaroni. That is all she brings. Every year, for as long as I can remember. Then when it is coming to a close she fills up the cooler with everyone’s leftovers and takes it home. We take bets every year what color knit shorts she will have on. Seriously. I hope I am VERY distantly related to her. I am putting my money on hot pink this year…

The Family Member in Jail
That’s right. This year my mom told me that she had to go to the reunion because her cousin was getting out of jail for the day to come see her. I believe she was in jail for running a meth lab? Nothing but class.

So folks, when you feel that your family is crazy just because your mom runs around the block in her house coat (I have done this) or because your dad collects stuffed dead animals (mine) or because your grandpa trolls the roads on his golf cart telling everyone to slow down (again, mine)…just remember…it could be worse.

Everybody Out of the Pool!

Everyone gets really real about loosing weight when they have a big reason to. Mine is an upcoming wedding I am in. All the the other bridesmaids and bride are petite to my 6 foot 2 inches and have little waists and big boobs. Um, again, not so much me! So I got serious about getting in shape. I can't be that one fugly bridesmaid.

So I joined to local YMCA. I have been going for a few weeks to aid in my fitness. I already walk the pups a couple miles most days. It's just so damn hot I wanted to run indoors!

I go today to the Y and get my jog on for a little while. Their treadmills are so badass, they each have flatscreen TVs on them! So I can watch my trashy reality TV shows while I am sweating.

After that I decided I would go for a swim. You know, do some laps. Let me paint the picture...

First off, I am quite tall, so I cam unable to wear a one piece bathing suit. I chose to wear a tankini. Full coverage mind you, but you can see all my tats when I wear it. So I walk out to the pool and take my towel off. All of a sudden there is a hush that comes over the pool. It seems that no one there had ever seen a lady person with a tattoo. My 3, totally not trashy tats seemed to have everyone shocked.

Well, I do an internal eye roll and get in my lane in the pool. I swim around for a while, amidst lots of kids and such. All of a sudden there is a commotion a few lanes over. I hear the "lifeguard" teenager blow his little whistle and tell everyone to get out. I then realize that there is no ladder close to me. And for some stupid reason I left my towel on the deep end (other side). So I decide to do the same thing as everyone else and do a little jump up on the side of the pool as to exit. As jumping up really fast to escape what ever was going on in the pool, My little too loose bottoms creeped down a bit. So everyone that was already whispering about my tattoos got a first hand glimpse of the top inch of my butt crack. Yeah, that is right! And if that was not enough...as I was walking my sinful tattooed ass back to the locker room, I saw what all the commotion was about...

Someone dropped a deuce in the pool.

That's right someone pooped in the swimming pool.

I am now rethinking my swimming habit. Ass crack and poop and all....

Home Sweet Home

Whew!

Exactly one week at the beach with the whole family. Let me paint the picture…

Me, my man Biggs, Mom and Dad, the sis and her hubby and their two year old, and my dad’s fishing buddy Captain Wayne.

All of these people in one house for a week. Let’s just say that by Friday I was SO happy to see my house again. Mind you, it wouldn’t have been so bad if my bed wasn’t actually a wooden slab disguised as a bed. Oh, and if it were bigger than mine and Biggs combined asses. Since it was neither of these things, I woke up every ½ hour yelling at him to quit breathing on me and to get back on his side. And then there was the 7 AM 2 year old alarm every morning. I think the latest I slept the whole trip was until 7:45 AM. Nice huh? Also, I believe I ate my weight in desserts while I was there. So yeah, I am glad to be home in my comfy king size bed with lots of veggies and fruit in the fridge.

Coming back through our neighborhood we had to wait to let a flock of geese walk by. This is a normal thing in the hood. There are about 20 or so of them. They walk right out in front of you and walk butt ass slow across to the other side. I am cool with letting them do their thing because there are cute little babies and everything. Well I happened to notice that one goose had a knob where a foot should have been. So he had what looked like a peg leg! It was like a pirate! I got very sad about it and asked Biggs “but how does he swim?” He replied “in circles I guess”.

Oh and I just wanted to tell everyone, if you haven’t joined Etsy yet and started buying…you are a crazy person! I just bought the BEST lip balm in the entire world. I ordered 4 tubes and ended up getting 6 (she gives freebies!). I got grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich (love Elvis), pumpkin bars, carmel popcorn, buttered pancakes, plum rum, and pink mud. These bad boys are awesome. They smell so good!

Her address is www.elladean.etsy.com

Well I am off to be productive! Check out my site, I just listed tons of new fun things! www.cherriesrockmysocks.etsy.com

Sweat Your Ass Off ♥

So, I know I am not the only one to notice that it is like 200 degrees outside here lately. I talk myself out of actually going places because I know that the heat will make me sweaty.

I sweat my ass off.

Ever heard the expression? If you are ever around foul mouth complainers (like myself) then I am sure you have.

How great would it be if it were actually true? Like you get out of your car after a long drive when the air conditioning is taking it's own sweet time to cool things off...and you look down. There it is! A little pile of ass that you sweated off. A little pile of fleshing looking material...dimples included. Woo hoo, look at me. A one hour hot car trip and I am a half size smaller! I, for one, would be suffering the heat a lot more often. I would come to work and be like "don't mind that, it's just some of my ass."

But alas...that is not the case!

What happens is you just sweat, even you ass.

It has happened to all of us. Your hanging out in the heat and everything, behind knees, forehead, cleavage, and the ass...all start to sweat. What is worse, when the sweat becomes noticeable to others. It is OK to be a sloppy mess for only you to know about...but when your sweaty pits or what have you begin to show signs on your clothes, you have a problem.

I went to an outdoor graduation Friday. One such woman was located directly in front of me. She was wearing too tight khaki shorts and odd clunky heels. As she bent over, I saw it. I sweat line going down the entire length of her butt seam. Come to think of it, as much sweat as it was, it was quite possible she WAS sweating her actual ass off.

So I leave you with this. Be cool and try to stay dry on these hot summer days. But, if that is not an option. Be like me, and wear a nice knit sundress out, so all the crack sweat will never be noticeable. And if you see me out, in said dress, just assume that I am losing that ass, as we speak.

I'll Cut you! Well...Maybe Not.

WHOOO! I know, I have been gone a while. I was finishing up this semester and plotting the death of a few teachers, bosses, and political figures. Not really…well maybe there was a bit of talk about cutting someone. One of my crazy ass old teachers gave me a C. A totally NON-deserved C. So yeah, I’ll cut her. AND I have been accepted into not one, but TWO honor societies. One that is national, one that is for the school…which is a huge deal. Not many people get in. Oh, and for this, the school is offering me NO scholarships. And the fact that I am a minority at my school, no scholarships. But they do want me to take the $11,000 in loans they have offered, so I can be in debt for the rest of my life. So, I have to go cut someone at the financial aid office this afternoon.
I am in the market for a new job, mainly because I hate mine these days. You would think that going to work with 70 dogs everyday would be fun…but really…not so much. Well, it is mainly my boss and the waking up at the butt ass crack of dawn. I just need a change. I don’t think I can do this for the next year until I finish college. Blah.
Oh, I found a new place to walk the pups in the lovely Greensboro. Actually is out where Mr. Biggs’ dad works (Senior Biggs). Bur Mil Park. Basically you just walk around Lake Brandt. I love it! We are going to have to start going like every day. The weight has got to go! I have been eating so many veggies lately! I am so proud!
Lets see, other than that…I have been super busy making jewelry. I hit 51 sales this morning. That is super exciting for me! I have also started selling earrings and rings. You should totally check out my new 80s inspired items. For Sure!
I hope everyone have a fabulous day!