Skank TV, Tonight at 10...and Why I am A Reality TV Whore

As the funny lady that I believe I am, you all probably think that I spend my free time throwing out banana peels and wait for people to slip, poking squirrels to see if they will pee themselves, and spitting on people from high buildings. But I don’t. I spend all (and I mean all) of my free time, sitting in my jimmies, on the couch, watching bad reality TV, and yelling at the top of my lungs, because all the characters can totally hear me. I have all my shows mapped out during the week that I have to watch. If Mr. Big changes it to some “sitcom” I freak out. I just don’t have enough time in my viewing schedule!

Oh and how he hates to watch “my shows” with me. I act as if I know all the moral-less heathens. “Oh my God, are you KIDDING ME! He was just all over Destiny and now his hand is up your shirt!” Seriously, I need help.

I love reality TV because where else do you get to see such a variety of insanity and promiscuity in one place?

The Ever-So-Clueless Advocate of a Cause
They are always there, wearing the T-Shirt of the new “IT” cause. Weather it be PETA, Jesus, or Lesbian Mother’s Who Are Against Red Dye #5, they always feel the need to preach their cause to those not willing to listen, who could totally care less, which make for an awesome freaking fight!

The Much Too Old to Be Here Person
This is a favorite of mine. This person isn’t really that much older than everyone else, but for some reason all the other people want to talk about how they should be in a home somewhere wearing adult diapers. This person is always completely trying to act much younger than their age and always has a look of shock and awe when someone around them shows off their new vagina piercing while dancing nude on the pole. This person always get kicked off with the note of “they were so sweet, but just not at the same place as me”…when in reality said person was younger than the person who kicked them off.

The Porn Star
I don’t care what show you are watching there is ALWAYS a person who does porn! And they always lie about it like “No, I am a serious actress”. And I am like “No, you seriously have sex on camera for money.” And they are so shocked when someone finds out and it is the topic for the whole show. I mean if you have sex on camera, that is all well and good, but don’t be shocked when someone sees it; that was the whole reason you got paid for it…unless you are a prostitute, and that is a whole different reality show character all together.

The Wanna-Be Musician
Ever season, not matter the show, there is someone there who is willing to kiss, or whatever, with anyone as long as someone listens to their demo. This wouldn’t be so funny but this person always sucks, hardcore. So really it is more of an embarrassment than anything else!

The Sloppy Drunk
Always in full force, this person came on the show for free booze. They have a drink in their hand for each episode, no matter what is going on. Always a riot when this person has a misunderstanding with one of the other skanks. This person pukes, on the regular. This person also finds a way to stick around for quite a while, just so everyone else understands that they too should drink and be slutty. This person never wins though, because no one can be closer to them than their real soul mate, the Jagermeiester.

The Stripper
There are an increasing number of strippers on reality shows, which makes me worry about who is manning the strip joints? Also, if the cream of the crop are here vying for the attention of the crazy old pervert on this show, then I would hate to see the back ups on the pole now! What I love about the strippers is that they are incapable of keeping their clothes on. Every episode all you see walking around is blurring spots where big fakes boobs are bouncing about. And the best part is that they call themselves “dancers”. They forget to mention the part about how their dancing focuses mainly on their nudity and less on the actual dance.

And last but not least…

The Dried Up Old Rocker/Rapper
A lot of shows are based around this person. It is always someone who “used to” be really hot and really famous. Don’t get me wrong, I love Brett Michaels as much as the next groupie, but don’t you find it a bit odd that hits came from an era that most of these women weren’t even born in? Kind of like making out with your middle-aged, tattooed, perverted uncle. But what I love best about the old rocker/rapper angle is that they get mad when these young contestants don’t know all of their old work. Like they really don’t realize how old they are compared to how young the clueless hoes are.

And the fact that after the boot off, all the former contests get all modest and act like they are better than the old hag whose heart (private parts) they were fighting for and how they totally never shower naked, sucked toes, or issued blue balls with this person, makes me laugh even harder. Much the same as the porn star must learn, it is all on tape, buddy; the entire world has saw you suck her toes and tell her you like to eat boogers…or whatever, you can’t deny it now.

I can’t really tell you what the appeal of all these skanks is. I just know that for some reason, it works. I love to see the downfall of humanity happen, every night around 10. I mean nothing goes better with my evening bowl of Count Chocula or Boo Berry than some slutacious skanks humping a hopefully recently STD tested, questionable old man, while simultaneously threatening to bitch slap some butt naked, serious actress, who has a liking for kissing other female contestants when she is bored.

And the thing I love to say every time it goes a bit beyond the previous skank-fest…

“I bet their parents are SO proud!”