Road Rage, and Why I Should Never Be Behind the Wheel

When I was younger I loved to drive everywhere. If mom needed some milk (more realistically, if mom needed a diet coke) from the store, I was off in a hurry to go cruise around and get it for her. Mind you, I grew up in a small little town (that just yesterday got alcohol…woohoo) so it wasn’t like I had a lot to do. I would drive by ex’s houses to see who was there (stalker), I would cruise through the McDonald’s parking lot, and basically just waste gas (which wasn’t a big deal then seeing as how it was 80 cent a gallon).

Now, I hate to drive. I hate it with a passion. It isn’t because I have a hoop-ride (piece of junk car) because my car is pretty tight. It isn’t because the air conditioning is broke, because it is working just fine. And it isn’t even the cost of gas that has me cringing at the thought of getting behind the wheel (I hate lots of other things and people because of gas).

I have road rage.

When I get behind the wheel, it seems as if everyone else on the road slows down about 10 miles per hour…especially when I am late. I find myself yelling at them. I yell at them from my own car, with the windows up, because I am not such a bad ass that I would get out and beat someone down (or get beat down myself). I am actually, pretty much a weenie.

If there were a secret camera in my car, like on reality shows…this is what they would see.

**All the while I am on and off of the cell phone…I get lonely when I drive J

Someone stops COMPLETELY to make a right handed turn – “Yeah, that’s it! Stop all the way! Don’t wanna flip that Buick there Granny!” (No matter the age, everyone in my way is Granny or Grandpa.)

Someone pulls out in front of me – I stay on their butt with a mean look on my face (cause they can really see that…) for at least a mile. “Yeah, didn’t see me huh! I am back here!!! Hellloooo! Hi!”

Someone pulls out in front of me then turns off not half a mile later – I do all the previous then flip out ten times worse when they go to turn (usually without giving a turn signal) “Yeah, you would do that! Jackass! You just own the road!”

Someone turns suddenly with no turn signal – “Nice signal there jackass!!!!”

Someone is in the fast lane while going slow – “Move it gramps! Fast lane means GO FAST! Don’t make me push you down the road!!! Move it over!!! You are lucky my car isn’t bigger. I would run over you!”

Two cars going the same speed are riding beside each other and you can’t pass – Ride the butt of one car then move to the other lane and ride the butt of that car. Repeat this and yell “MOVE!!!” repeatedly until you exit comes up and you eventually slow down and get off.

**Lets not forget all the times I lay on the horn. I do that a lot. And I drive a Honda, so the horn is this little pathetic foreign deal. I need one of those air horns. That would scare the hell out of someone… (Puts on shopping list)

So, as you can see, I hate to drive. It is entirely too much pressure! I don’t see other people in their cars yelling and about to have a spasm because someone cut them off. Maybe it is just me…

So if you ever see a crazy person in the car behind you, shaking nervously, screaming, throwing up hand signals (hopfully not gang ones) and acting a complete mess, don’t get mad at them. Just move over, while using your blinker and speeding up. This person is most likely just afflicted with road rage (or some other serious ailment that might need psychiatric medicine)….and would probably just like you out of their **effing** way.