As you might have noticed, I have been MIA the past week or so. Instead of being able to say it was for some really exciting reason like being on an undercover mission with the FBI, being on a very exclusive vacation, or hell, just having a lot of sex…I have to tell all of you, my loyal readers, the truth. I have started back to school. It’s true! At almost (one and a half weeks to be exact) 27 years of age I am finally a senior in college.
Growing up, I always thought that college was this exciting place where very intelligent professors taught students and invigorated their brains with knowledge that they would use in their future endeavors. I was sadly mistaken. Although, maybe it is just because I am older. Maybe I would feel differently if I were 22 and about to graduate. But now, I feel a wee bit smarter than a good percentage of the people I pay to teach me.
Let me tell you all about what I have learned in my first week back in school.
When a professor uses the wrong words, all jumbled up, in an email, it is wrong to email her back and ask for clarification. This woman is obviously superior to me and should be treated as such. Who cares if I fail the class entitled “Teaching Secondary Reading” because my teacher is illiterate.
As a college senior I am unable to read. It is totally time effective for a DOCTOR to read the entire syllabus to me and my classmates as if we were just entering the third grade. While also telling us it is un-important to know due dates. Yes.
Fridays are your day off, from dressing. This has been a long week. It is totally acceptable if not more appropriate to come to class in your pajamas. Also, if you have neither brushed your hair nor your teeth, you receive double points! Bonus if you wear the skankiest sweat pants and flip flops in your closest.
Your business needs to be known to everyone. When you are telling about how drunk you got last night and what guy you wanted to hook up with at the bar (my major is predominantly female) it is a necessity to say it so loud that the class across the hall can hear it. I mean why else do you even come to class?
It is a contest on who is more broke. You ate ramen last week for every meal while waiting on your loan refund check? Well I ate bologna and cheetos. Also, you must say this loud enough that the rich girls want to join in even though you know they were eating at the Red Lobster while you were trying to make syrup and tuna fish sound yummy.
Buying the textbooks required for class is totally un-cool. Why be ahead of the game when you can hustle a few hours off of some other sucker’s book? Also, you must tell this story to everyone else so they are completely aware of how cool you are.
There are so many other fun things that I have learned this week as school. I just can’t spend the time to tell you all of them right now…because I am un-cool. I am starting on my weekend homework on Friday even though I know that the really cool kids are waiting until they get to class on Monday so they can copy off of my paper!