Sunday, November 9, 2008

Growing Up Sucks...and How to Make Your Very Own Street Walker Barbie!

You know what I hate?

That I had to grow up.

Not that I necessarily grew “up”…because I am glad that my height advanced beyond the 2 foot I was when I initially popped out. I am just sad that I had to stop being a kid. I was looking at the Wish Book today at toys with my mom…I told her that I missed playing with Barbie Dolls. In fact, I think I would still play with them if it were socially accepted.

I loved those things! I loved the tiny little shoes for her freakish tippy toe feet, the fabulous street walker clothing, the lack of genitalia, Ken’s plastic hair, and all the kick ass home furnishings and appliances. I absolutely loved that girl!!! Me and my sister would play with them and I would always have to be Skipper. She had the smaller boobs. I wasn’t worth of Barbie and her plastic double D’s. Me and my sister also loved to, um, style Barbie’s hair. In a nutshell, we liked to give Barbie a bowl-cut. If you aren’t familiar with the fabulous hair style of the late 80’s and the early 90’s, let me lay it down for you. This hair style consisted of a short bob of sorts that made it appear like you had a bowl lying on your head while the stylist (your mother in your bathroom) cut the hair. So here comes Barbie, looking fab with her bowl-cut hair, at home painted nails (we also liked to give her manicures with our thick and sticky old Wet-n-Wild nail polish), hooker looking tube dress made out of one of my old ruffled socks (seriously, children’s socks made the best tube dresses), crazy hot pink tennis shoes that are still heeled for some reason, one leg that won’t actually straighten out anymore, and I wonder to myself…when will I have kids so I can play with these bitches again!?!?!

My luck, my kid wouldn’t let me play because I kept messing up her Barbie’s.

On a funny note, after reading all of this…I can now see in every way…how Barbie helped me pick my profession. Barbie Bowl-Cuts, Tube Sock Hooker Dresses, and the all pink dream house kitchen totally equals up to Home Ec Teacher.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Crocs, Broke Down Scooters, Lazy Fast Food Workers, and why the reports always talk to the toothless crack-head

Today, I am all about the randomness. I feel this is partly due to the fact that my life gets to happen in random spurts in between being forced to work for a living and having to be in class listening to some old boring professor talk about what “research” means for 5 class periods. Seriously.

Let me break down some of the things that have happened to me lately, I have come to realize, or that have really been floating around in my head like a bird, all jacked up on Red Bull (bashing into the side and all that).

Men, over the age of…lets say 10, should never leave the house in red rubber shoes. I mean Crocs just aren’t the manliest shoes I have ever seen. Let me say it this way, if a dude in a bar tried to push up on me while wearing rubber shoes with smiling green gators on the side (in my dream said guy also has lots of those colorful “Jibits” all over them) I would have to politely laugh in his face. I bring up this fact because I went to the store the other day, looking a bit of a hot mess. It was just the grocery store close to my house so I wasn’t that worried about it. Well I pass this man in the parking lot and he gives me the up and down and gives me a disgusted face. MIND YOU he was wearing a little too short navy shorts, a beat up polo, black socks pulled all the way up on his calves and BRIGHT RED CROCS! I wanted to be like “You need to go take a look-see in the mirror before you judge my gauchos. At least I am not spit, mud, blood, urine, feces, and water proof and able to be worn by toddlers of all ages”.

If someone steals your inflatable lawn decoration, it is not cause for you to be the leading story on the evening news. It’s just not. The best part, when interviewed, the “victim” said this, “I can’t believe someone would do something so evil. That decoration is all I have to remember my dead aunt by!” Yeah, no.

McDonalds, Arbys, all you other fast food joints, the JIG IS UP! We know your ice cream machine isn’t broken! We know it is just that it is 10 PM and you don’t feel like making my McFlurry and having to re-clean the machine. Don’t try that crap on me! Just say it like it is “Um, ice cream? Well Miss, I am simply too lazy to have any gumption to get up and fix your delicious, overpriced, barley even mixed, more or less sprinkled on top M&M dessert. So, in a sense, my ambition is broken, not so much the machine.” Lucky for the McDonalds people, I drove off too fast for Mr. Big to completely get out of the car to kill the drive though worker. He gets serious about his M&M McFlurry.

If you ride a scooter, you probably don’t need bling. I’m just saying. If you have to ride a little scooter, covered in mud, dented and scratched up purple paint (looking like you crashed it into a rhino’s ass) there are probably a lot better things for you to spend your money on. You might not need the 30 inch gold chain with the pendant that spins and glistens in the sun.

And a little Cherries Rock My Socks on etsy update, I will be selling at the Asheboro, NC fall festival this year! First weekend in October! Come out and support the local arts and better yet, me!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Apple Pie and Shaved Va-jay-jay's

So, ya'll know me. I am not so big on the "let's review etsians" deal. I am more about the funny. That is just how I roll. But, I need to give a shout out to someone who not only makes me laugh, but makes my mouth water. She also used to beat me up when I was a kid. Yeah, that's right. My sis. Creativity runs in our southern blood! She runs the etsy shop The Curious Spork. How interesting is that?

This shop is full of fun polymer clay items that "rock my socks". She is just opening so she is putting new fun things in everyday.

Here are a few of my favorites...

Who doesn't love apple pie?

Let's not forget about breakfast, the most important meal of the day! (it's more than diet coke and Marlboro Lights girls!)

And my personal favorite...

Pierced, tattooed, and shaven....

Weiners and Who-Has!

So, if you aren't too busy wearing my pieces (come on, you got more than one arm or ear!) should stop on by her shop. She loves custom orders and wants to make something fun, tasty, or just plain dirty for you!

Oh, and if you are totally sweating for fun things going on in my world...just wait! I have had lots goin on! And my birthday is coming up this weekend! Yeah, that's right. My mom was in labor on Labor day!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Lessons Learned In College This Week...and I ain't talking about addition!

As you might have noticed, I have been MIA the past week or so. Instead of being able to say it was for some really exciting reason like being on an undercover mission with the FBI, being on a very exclusive vacation, or hell, just having a lot of sex…I have to tell all of you, my loyal readers, the truth. I have started back to school. It’s true! At almost (one and a half weeks to be exact) 27 years of age I am finally a senior in college.

Growing up, I always thought that college was this exciting place where very intelligent professors taught students and invigorated their brains with knowledge that they would use in their future endeavors. I was sadly mistaken. Although, maybe it is just because I am older. Maybe I would feel differently if I were 22 and about to graduate. But now, I feel a wee bit smarter than a good percentage of the people I pay to teach me.

Let me tell you all about what I have learned in my first week back in school.

When a professor uses the wrong words, all jumbled up, in an email, it is wrong to email her back and ask for clarification. This woman is obviously superior to me and should be treated as such. Who cares if I fail the class entitled “Teaching Secondary Reading” because my teacher is illiterate.

As a college senior I am unable to read. It is totally time effective for a DOCTOR to read the entire syllabus to me and my classmates as if we were just entering the third grade. While also telling us it is un-important to know due dates. Yes.

Fridays are your day off, from dressing. This has been a long week. It is totally acceptable if not more appropriate to come to class in your pajamas. Also, if you have neither brushed your hair nor your teeth, you receive double points! Bonus if you wear the skankiest sweat pants and flip flops in your closest.

Your business needs to be known to everyone. When you are telling about how drunk you got last night and what guy you wanted to hook up with at the bar (my major is predominantly female) it is a necessity to say it so loud that the class across the hall can hear it. I mean why else do you even come to class?

It is a contest on who is more broke. You ate ramen last week for every meal while waiting on your loan refund check? Well I ate bologna and cheetos. Also, you must say this loud enough that the rich girls want to join in even though you know they were eating at the Red Lobster while you were trying to make syrup and tuna fish sound yummy.

Buying the textbooks required for class is totally un-cool. Why be ahead of the game when you can hustle a few hours off of some other sucker’s book? Also, you must tell this story to everyone else so they are completely aware of how cool you are.

There are so many other fun things that I have learned this week as school. I just can’t spend the time to tell you all of them right now…because I am un-cool. I am starting on my weekend homework on Friday even though I know that the really cool kids are waiting until they get to class on Monday so they can copy off of my paper!

Friday, August 8, 2008

The Path To Happiness Is Lined With Ramen

As my loyal readers may know, I live with a complete nut-bag. I do love Mr. Big, but sometimes he does and says things that are just so random, weird, funny, idiotic, that I have to laugh at him and tell him that yes, in fact, you are a complete dumbass.

Last night was such a time.

At 10:30 Pm Mr. Big decided that he was hungry. This guy can eat for days and still be starved. I try to explain to him that he only has the one stomach, and he isn’t eating to go into hibernation, or anything else weird that animals are doing when they consume 3 day’s worth of food at one sitting. So right before bed he decides he will raid the cabinets. Mind you, our pantry is down to the nitty gritty because we have both been too busy to shop. I say that but really, I have been to busy to shop. Mr. Big is scared of the grocery store. He will not go. Ever. So, he starts to rummage and I hear all these huffs and puffs because there is nothing good in the pantry. So all of a sudden he comes out with this look of defeat on his face and a pack of ramen noodles in his hand.

“Are these any good?”
“Big, you have never had Ramen Noodles???”
“No. There really isn’t anything any good in there. Thought I might try these.”
“Well, welcome to the real world babe!”

Mr. Big is completely helpless so I had to share with him how you make this wondrous noodle concoction…meaning I made them for him. Personally I like to add a little butter to mine to make them tasty. Also, I feel that you are never too young to be at risk for a heart attack. Also, it is quite delicious to add a little tuna to the shrimp flavor.

Mr. Big devourers the whole bowl of the salty goodness (while laying in the bed…oh yeah, sexy) and looks at me with this magical look in his eyes…

“Aren’t these like 10 cent a pack?”
“Yeah, something like that. Why”
“We should get more!”
“Big, there are like 5 packs down there still. That should hold you for a while.”
“These are so great and so cheap! Our grocery bill is going to drop so much!”
“Dear, you can’t eat just Ramen.”
“Why not?”
“Well, it has like a zillion grams of sodium, and loads of fat!”
“It can’t. It’s just noodles!”
“Well I will get you a whole case and see how long you last.”

I know, we all have our weak moments. We have all ventured down the Ramen path before in a moment of hunger and broke-ness. But, I traveled that road long ago, at a much younger age. I find if funny that at 30 years of age, Mr. Big discovered Ramen. Not just that, but he feels we should quit buying all food other than Ramen.

This is what I live with, every day. I think you should all fear for my health if I am forced to start eating ramen regularly. There is a reason these are all that is left when the pantry is almost bare.

In the last days on earth, all that will be left is cockroaches and a lone pack of ramen…

…that will probably kill the cockroaches.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Stealing the Sexiness Back From the Senior Citizens

I am mad fresh. I know it. And, unlike most people, I know exactly why. How did I get to this place of absolute awesomeness, you ask… With the help of Mr. Big’s possibly senile grandma.

Mr. Big’s mother came over before Christmas and was talking to us about what all of the plans were as far as where we to be and when. Then she got a very serious look on her face and said “Please, no matter what you get, please act excited. Your grandmother is very old and is going rather nuts. I went shopping with her the other day and noticed that she got like 5 huge jars of pickles. I think she intends on giving them as presents. So, if you open a jar of pickles, please thank her and act very excited.” By this point, I am rolling on the floor laughing. FINALLY! It was Mr. Big’s family that was insane, not mine! Just like the little old lady in Christmas Vacation who wrapped up her cat and a Jell-O mold, she was going to wrap up random things from around her house and give them as gifts!

So we get to her house and settle in. After the dog finished humping my head (seriously, they have a 100 pound lab. I had to sit on the floor and he took a liking to me. What was bad is I was like “Aw, Jack you are so sweet” while trying to push him off of me and his grandpa says “You have a way with dogs, he really has taken a liking to you.”) we all got ready to open our presents. I watched, trying to hold in my giggles, as Big opened his gift. If I am lyin I am dyin, he got a carton of Marlboros and a huge jar of pickles. After we exchanged glances, it was my turn to open my gift. Realizing it wasn’t very heavy, I was thankful in knowing I wouldn’t have to pretend to adore pickles (they make me want to die just thinking about them). I opened my box and pulled out what I thought was a muumuu. Just when I started to plan out a response like “man I ADORE muumuus!” or “Who has time to wear real clothes, anyway?” I realized it was in fact, a house coat.

A lovely pink and white floral house coat.

Sadly, at the age of 26, I loved it! I could see on Mr. Big’s mom’s face she thought I was just playing along, but in fact, I wanted one!

Because I am bringing the house coat back.

You can bring back sexy all you want, Justin, but I am bringing back true sexiness. What is sexier than an article of clothing that can cover everything up and doesn’t even have to be worn with anything under it?

Just ask my neighbors…I let the dogs out in the back yard every morning, wearing my house coat. I know they have all seen me. I bet I am that person that everyone talks about over dinner. “Did you see that crazy girl over there in that get up? I wish she would put some damn clothes on!”

Usually these items are reserved for old women, but I think it is time the younger generation takes it back! Why can’t we just jump out of bed and pretend we are wearing a trench coat…all FBI style? Why can’t we enjoy the freedom of a garment that you don’t even have to wear underwear with? Loyal readers…the time is now! Take back the forgotten robe of hotness. Oh, I wear mine all the time. I don’t know how Mr. Big can keep his hands off of me!

So, if you are looking to be just as stylish as your girl here…pop on a stylin house coat, waltz out into the back yard…and just know that you are the hottest thing around for miles! (Except for old Mrs. Jones down the block. From here it looks like hers is neon green polka dotted. You go Mrs. Jones!)

**I would like to thank my girl Boo for inspiring me to tell my story of my love of house coats..
Check out her etsy page for awesome cuffs, hats and anything else badass she knits up! (and she has an awesome mohawk. I bet she would look fab in a house coat!)

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Meet My Dogs! and **Check Out My Sale**

Let me preface this by saying…I work at a doggie daycare, so I get to see hundreds of different dog owners every week. Plus, I am a dog owner myself. I have two furry little critters that run my house and think they own me.

Let’s face it, us dog people are crazy! What other type of person goes around talking about balls, and anal glands, and carries bags around to pick up poop with. I have two dogs, Won-Ton, a chow mix and Skeeter, a dachshund mix. Won-Ton is a lover of everyone, and Skeeter is a momma’s boy with a severe hatred of his dad, Mr. Biggs.

My dog knows that when his dad pisses him off the best revenge is to poop in his aquarium room, right in front of the tank. It never fails. That right there, is pure genius. Forget helping the blind, opening doors for me, or fetching a beer, my dog knows revenge. Sometimes I wonder what my dogs are actually thinking…and saying about me when I am not around. Call me crazy all you want. I think that if he knows what to do when he is angry, I am sure they sit around and talk trash when I am at work…

Skeeter – “Did you see that big one I laid in dad’s room last night? That will teach him to tease me with the last Doritos!”
Won-Ton – “Dude, you keep doing that and he will keep blaming his farts on you.”
Skeet – “That’s true. Man does he have some bad ones! What does he eat! I can’t see what mom sees in him!”
Won – “Hey, don’t complain! The kibble has gotten a lot better since we moved here…and the backyard is always full of rabbits!”
Skeet – “Plus we have that crazy cat to chase! “
Won – “Man, that cat is full of crap. Did you see how it chewed up mom’s shoe and acted like we did it! I am going to bite it in the ass the next time it comes out from under that bed!”
Skeet – “And it gets to sleep in the bed while we have to sleep down here on the couch. That is pure BS.”
Won – “Oh God, there they go again!”
Skeet – “I know! They get my balls taken off…but no, not dad!”
Won – “Hey, I feel you! I know, let’s go mess with them!”
Skeet – “OK! I will put my cold nose on dad’s butt, and you jump on the bed and get in mom’s hair; she hates that!”

Dad – “WOAHHH!!!!”

Can you tell that Mr. Biggs is none to fond of the pups sometimes? I think with opposable thumbs, Skeeter could take over the world…



On another note...I am having a huge sale in my store! Buy 4 items or more and get 20% off! Also, there are tons of items I just marked for clearance...these are available at a huge savings!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Road Rage, and Why I Should Never Be Behind the Wheel

When I was younger I loved to drive everywhere. If mom needed some milk (more realistically, if mom needed a diet coke) from the store, I was off in a hurry to go cruise around and get it for her. Mind you, I grew up in a small little town (that just yesterday got alcohol…woohoo) so it wasn’t like I had a lot to do. I would drive by ex’s houses to see who was there (stalker), I would cruise through the McDonald’s parking lot, and basically just waste gas (which wasn’t a big deal then seeing as how it was 80 cent a gallon).

Now, I hate to drive. I hate it with a passion. It isn’t because I have a hoop-ride (piece of junk car) because my car is pretty tight. It isn’t because the air conditioning is broke, because it is working just fine. And it isn’t even the cost of gas that has me cringing at the thought of getting behind the wheel (I hate lots of other things and people because of gas).

I have road rage.

When I get behind the wheel, it seems as if everyone else on the road slows down about 10 miles per hour…especially when I am late. I find myself yelling at them. I yell at them from my own car, with the windows up, because I am not such a bad ass that I would get out and beat someone down (or get beat down myself). I am actually, pretty much a weenie.

If there were a secret camera in my car, like on reality shows…this is what they would see.

**All the while I am on and off of the cell phone…I get lonely when I drive J

Someone stops COMPLETELY to make a right handed turn – “Yeah, that’s it! Stop all the way! Don’t wanna flip that Buick there Granny!” (No matter the age, everyone in my way is Granny or Grandpa.)

Someone pulls out in front of me – I stay on their butt with a mean look on my face (cause they can really see that…) for at least a mile. “Yeah, didn’t see me huh! I am back here!!! Hellloooo! Hi!”

Someone pulls out in front of me then turns off not half a mile later – I do all the previous then flip out ten times worse when they go to turn (usually without giving a turn signal) “Yeah, you would do that! Jackass! You just own the road!”

Someone turns suddenly with no turn signal – “Nice signal there jackass!!!!”

Someone is in the fast lane while going slow – “Move it gramps! Fast lane means GO FAST! Don’t make me push you down the road!!! Move it over!!! You are lucky my car isn’t bigger. I would run over you!”

Two cars going the same speed are riding beside each other and you can’t pass – Ride the butt of one car then move to the other lane and ride the butt of that car. Repeat this and yell “MOVE!!!” repeatedly until you exit comes up and you eventually slow down and get off.

**Lets not forget all the times I lay on the horn. I do that a lot. And I drive a Honda, so the horn is this little pathetic foreign deal. I need one of those air horns. That would scare the hell out of someone… (Puts on shopping list)

So, as you can see, I hate to drive. It is entirely too much pressure! I don’t see other people in their cars yelling and about to have a spasm because someone cut them off. Maybe it is just me…

So if you ever see a crazy person in the car behind you, shaking nervously, screaming, throwing up hand signals (hopfully not gang ones) and acting a complete mess, don’t get mad at them. Just move over, while using your blinker and speeding up. This person is most likely just afflicted with road rage (or some other serious ailment that might need psychiatric medicine)….and would probably just like you out of their **effing** way.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Skank TV, Tonight at 10...and Why I am A Reality TV Whore

As the funny lady that I believe I am, you all probably think that I spend my free time throwing out banana peels and wait for people to slip, poking squirrels to see if they will pee themselves, and spitting on people from high buildings. But I don’t. I spend all (and I mean all) of my free time, sitting in my jimmies, on the couch, watching bad reality TV, and yelling at the top of my lungs, because all the characters can totally hear me. I have all my shows mapped out during the week that I have to watch. If Mr. Big changes it to some “sitcom” I freak out. I just don’t have enough time in my viewing schedule!

Oh and how he hates to watch “my shows” with me. I act as if I know all the moral-less heathens. “Oh my God, are you KIDDING ME! He was just all over Destiny and now his hand is up your shirt!” Seriously, I need help.

I love reality TV because where else do you get to see such a variety of insanity and promiscuity in one place?

The Ever-So-Clueless Advocate of a Cause
They are always there, wearing the T-Shirt of the new “IT” cause. Weather it be PETA, Jesus, or Lesbian Mother’s Who Are Against Red Dye #5, they always feel the need to preach their cause to those not willing to listen, who could totally care less, which make for an awesome freaking fight!

The Much Too Old to Be Here Person
This is a favorite of mine. This person isn’t really that much older than everyone else, but for some reason all the other people want to talk about how they should be in a home somewhere wearing adult diapers. This person is always completely trying to act much younger than their age and always has a look of shock and awe when someone around them shows off their new vagina piercing while dancing nude on the pole. This person always get kicked off with the note of “they were so sweet, but just not at the same place as me”…when in reality said person was younger than the person who kicked them off.

The Porn Star
I don’t care what show you are watching there is ALWAYS a person who does porn! And they always lie about it like “No, I am a serious actress”. And I am like “No, you seriously have sex on camera for money.” And they are so shocked when someone finds out and it is the topic for the whole show. I mean if you have sex on camera, that is all well and good, but don’t be shocked when someone sees it; that was the whole reason you got paid for it…unless you are a prostitute, and that is a whole different reality show character all together.

The Wanna-Be Musician
Ever season, not matter the show, there is someone there who is willing to kiss, or whatever, with anyone as long as someone listens to their demo. This wouldn’t be so funny but this person always sucks, hardcore. So really it is more of an embarrassment than anything else!

The Sloppy Drunk
Always in full force, this person came on the show for free booze. They have a drink in their hand for each episode, no matter what is going on. Always a riot when this person has a misunderstanding with one of the other skanks. This person pukes, on the regular. This person also finds a way to stick around for quite a while, just so everyone else understands that they too should drink and be slutty. This person never wins though, because no one can be closer to them than their real soul mate, the Jagermeiester.

The Stripper
There are an increasing number of strippers on reality shows, which makes me worry about who is manning the strip joints? Also, if the cream of the crop are here vying for the attention of the crazy old pervert on this show, then I would hate to see the back ups on the pole now! What I love about the strippers is that they are incapable of keeping their clothes on. Every episode all you see walking around is blurring spots where big fakes boobs are bouncing about. And the best part is that they call themselves “dancers”. They forget to mention the part about how their dancing focuses mainly on their nudity and less on the actual dance.

And last but not least…

The Dried Up Old Rocker/Rapper
A lot of shows are based around this person. It is always someone who “used to” be really hot and really famous. Don’t get me wrong, I love Brett Michaels as much as the next groupie, but don’t you find it a bit odd that hits came from an era that most of these women weren’t even born in? Kind of like making out with your middle-aged, tattooed, perverted uncle. But what I love best about the old rocker/rapper angle is that they get mad when these young contestants don’t know all of their old work. Like they really don’t realize how old they are compared to how young the clueless hoes are.

And the fact that after the boot off, all the former contests get all modest and act like they are better than the old hag whose heart (private parts) they were fighting for and how they totally never shower naked, sucked toes, or issued blue balls with this person, makes me laugh even harder. Much the same as the porn star must learn, it is all on tape, buddy; the entire world has saw you suck her toes and tell her you like to eat boogers…or whatever, you can’t deny it now.

I can’t really tell you what the appeal of all these skanks is. I just know that for some reason, it works. I love to see the downfall of humanity happen, every night around 10. I mean nothing goes better with my evening bowl of Count Chocula or Boo Berry than some slutacious skanks humping a hopefully recently STD tested, questionable old man, while simultaneously threatening to bitch slap some butt naked, serious actress, who has a liking for kissing other female contestants when she is bored.

And the thing I love to say every time it goes a bit beyond the previous skank-fest…

“I bet their parents are SO proud!”

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Customer Dis-Service and Why I Hate To Go Out In Public

Let me just preface this by saying…

When you go out in public it may be a divine experience. The cashiers may be the friendliest, nicest, most professional people you have ever met. Cars may go the right way down the isles in the parking lot. Heck, customers may even smile at you and steer clear of you with their cart, while their children, with snot free upper lips greet you with warm wishes.

Let me go on record as to saying, none of these things ever happen for me.

I don’t know what it is about me. Friends tell me that I have the “bitch look”. If I am not super smiley and laughing about myself, I must be in a bad mood. Again, you know how chubby people should always be jolly! None of this is true though. Sometimes, when I am spending massive amounts of money on things that I will eat (two things you don’t mess with, my money or my food) I need to focus all my attention on the task at hand. Just because I am over 6 foot tall doesn’t mean I automatically work at the store and will help you get down the 5 gallon can of Wesson Oil on the top shelf (I get asked that all the time! Standing there in normal clothes, shopping cart in tow. “Do you work here? Can you get those Depends on the tops shelf for me?”). Maybe because I am in “the zone” when I shop makes me the target for the craziness. Let me share with you some true to life experiences.

**Grocery store with wild safari animal in title, close to house**
Walking down the isle, searching for just the right scent of laundry detergent, a mother and her child walk past me in one of those huge race car carts. The child, full on snot dripplets leaking out his nose, some dried on his lip, looks at me and goes “Ew, your Ugly!” His mother just looked at me and laughed and gave me the “isn’t he adorable” look. If I were a meaner person I might have told the child that he wasn’t much too look at himself and he should save his judgment until he was old enough to groom himself and blow his own nose without mommy saying “Now blow! Just a little harder, let’s get all those boogies out!”

**At same grocery store, days later**
Just as I am about to check out, after I check my buggy to make sure I have the essentials (Bread, check. Soda, check. Ice cream, check. Liver mush, double check…don’t judge me) I see that I have lucked up. There is a line with no waiting. As I wheel up to the counter, I notice that the cashier is standing, leaned up against the register, talking to the teenager in the next lane, with his back to me. I begin to put my delightful food choices on the belt and see that he still has not turned around to acknowledge me or began to check me out. I then start to put my food down a little more loudly…but without being too rough with it. It is way too fragile!!! After all the contents of my cart are on the belt, said teenager has still not stopped his conversation and asked me for my MVP card! Damn him! He must be destroyed! Doesn’t he know that the longer he waits, the longer it will take me to get home and sample these new, ever so excitingly packaged, Pringles? So I get my card out, put it towards him and say, “Ah hem”. He then looks over his shoulder at me, rolls his eyes, looks back at the other teen and says “hold on just a sec”, then finally takes my card and begins to check me out. I mean I am SO sorry I made you do your job!

The absolute best EVER

**Ghetto-Mart (I call this Wal-Mart that because I feel as if I might be shanked every time I go there)
Again, I check to make sure I have everything on my list (was already stocked up on liver mush, needed some oatmeal though) and wheeled the buggy up into a line. You always have to wait like forever to get checked out at this Wal-Mart because people are beating their kids in line and running out the door with 15 pregnancy tests that they didn’t pay for and everything else. So when I put my items on the belt for “Desiree” I noticed that she was in a full on, hands waiving in the air, finger snapping, neck popping, conversation with the cashier behind her. Let me just preface this conversation by saying, I am white, I go to an HBCU (historically black college or university) and I could care less about race. Also, I was wearing my NC A&T SU tee-shirt, complete with “Aggie Pride” logo.

Finger Snapper 1 (Desiree) – I know girl! I had to take my weave out!
Finger Snapper 2 – Oh no you didn’t! Why!?!? Girl I like those braids! (Let me remind you that all of this is being said “quite” loudly)
FS1 – Cause! He just kept wantin to pull on it all the time!
FS2 – No he didn’t! Girl those braids were mad fresh!
FS1 – I mean I like when he pulls my hair when we are gettin down, but dayum, that is just too expensive! I was like, you must be crazy. Pullin on this weave like that!
FS2 – Ooooh! I know! When he pulls your hair, that’s hittin it right!
FS1 – I might have to get it again, I ain’t feelin it without it!

It went on from there. But I was so shocked about the topic of conversation while being checked out; I have tried to repress it.

So in my cashier, or fellow shopper, just smile at me. I will do the same back. That is, as long as you don’t force me to listen to what gets you off, sexually.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Spandex and Boob Padding, A Curvy Womans Strife

What happened to the good old days? No, I’m not talking about back when gas was 80 cent a gallon, or when everyone practiced free love, or even back before they did away with Crystal Pepsi.

I am talking about back when curves were fabulous and women were voluptuous.

I have always said that I was born in the wrong era. I stand 6 foot 2 inches tall, with full on curves. Not so much in the front, but I have booty for days…and the middle just does what it can to even the two out. In the old days, artists used to paint women of my shape. Curves were the ultimate sign of beauty. Used to I would joke and say that I was built more like a black girl, but lately when I watch the 50 cent videos, even the black girls are tiny!

So as curvy women, we try to find ways to transform into what society currently deems as sexy. When we go out in our fancy dress, we can’t possibly walk out the door without our butt and tummy shaping panties. They call them panties, but they are more like full on 80’s biker shorts. So, after we put on our spanky pants, we then have to worry about our chest area. We need those suckers up and perky! So we put on our Wonder Bra, or if we are really unlucky, our fancy dress requires a strapless bra. We then have to change gears and put on our gel filled strapless torture device that guarantees to pump us up one full size…all the while making it quite impossible to expand our ribs while we breathe. This is made all the more horrid because of the tight little shorts digging into our stomach and beginning to roll. Some women might opt for the even more horrific corset. This pretty much guarantees that we will not sit, laugh, or breathe for the entire evening. After all of these things are on, hoping that we don’t have to put on panty hose, we have to wiggle your way into the fancy dress, trying not to mess up our perfectly styled hair (just because we are curvy women doesn’t mean our hair isn’t flipping fabulous) or our just right makeup. Then comes the fun part. We have to manage to get into those too high sexy heels that make us taller, longer, and take attention away from our rear. The shoes in question do cut off circulation and make us fall when we walk, but damn, aren’t they cute? So as we make our way down the stairs(trying our best to not fall, not let the shorts roll, keep our bra in the upright position, and smile, because you know big people are supposed to be jolly) to our impatient man who has been calling our name for about 30 minutes, we ask how we look.


Fine?!?!? Are you freaking kidding me!?!? It took us almost 2 hours to squeeze and shape and mold ourselves into this outfit! The whole way to the party we refuse to talk to him, partly because we are mad at his disregard for the obvious knockout that we transformed into and partly because we are unable to breathe enough to form words in the sitting position with all of our restrictive undergarments on.

When we get to the party, we feel totally sexy and mad fresh. But then we start to see all the little skinny bitches that have on these flowy little dress that we are positive have no spanky pants underneath. We immediately hate these women and begin to plot their demise, all the while smiling. Don’t want to let the skinny bitches think that they are bothering us. We drink, converse, and have a relatively good time.

When we get home, we look in the mirror. We have suddenly turned from the sex goddess we were when we left the house into a puffy, red faced troll. We begin to wonder how long we have looked like this. As we peel off all the layers of restriction with our sweatpants and t shirt in plain sight, our spirits lift as we remember there is some new ice cream in the fridge. Just as the ice cream does it job and cheers us right up, we remember…

We stay warmer in the winter time and those skinny bitches freeze.

…and if we are lucky our man will remember how hot we were tonight…

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Cleavage, Humiliation, and Hairspray...I Smell a Wedding!

I HATE that old adage “always a bridesmaid, never a bride”. I hate it mainly because it applies to me. This weekend I will be a bridesmaid for the third time. I won’t count the numerous weddings in which I was involved in other ways…flower girl, registrar, server, hander-outer-of something.
Weddings are really hard when you are single. Well for me they were. I know there are some people out there who use that as an excuse to try to bang a bridesmaid or have their way with a groomsman. I saw the movie! I know how it works! I, being the funny one, not the slutty one, usually just found them depressing cause everyone is in love and finds it a great excuse to give and receive many open mouthed, full on tongue, kisses, while you are standing there talking to them about the weather. I would eat a lot of cake and die a little inside, while all the while smiling really big and posing for all the pictures. Then of course I’d go home and tell my dogs all about it while saying things like “I just can’t believe it, I was the hottest one there” or “Being married is lame-o anyway”. The dog was probably thinking “Yeah right mom, I’ll be a bastard forever”.
Well, now I am not single, but I might as well be, because in the world of weddings, I am not married, or engaged yet. I am worthless! What is worse is that my man has to work and will not be attending all the wedding festivities with me this weekend. He is totally bummed about it; let me tell you (YEAH RIGHT!). So I have to see all the love goings-on while not having a date. Also, I know practically no one. So it should be an exciting weekend out for me.
I tried my dress on yesterday while talking to the bride-to-be on the phone. I am pretty sure that someone will have to use a clothes hanger to zip this dress up. On a good note though, as tight as the dress is, it gives me great cleavage; which is nice because it is a sweetheart top and all I see when I look in the mirror is my football player shoulders. It looks as if I might walk down the isle and proceed to tackle the preacher. That could make an interesting wedding though! Seeing as how this is a ritzy wedding, they might not like that. Oh, and I can’t forget that the bride has requested that I wear flats so I don’t tower over everyone. I’m going to look like a big kid! (A big kid with great cleavage, who could possibly tackle you).
You can believe that with all this wedding talk, I am sweating my Mr. Big pretty bad. We are kind of still living that poor college kid buys a house life, so we are saving for the whole thing. I know that, but you get me around a wedding and I want to throw plates and shoes at him and scream about how I am always a bridesmaid, NEVER A BRIDE! I think he is quite looking forward to this being over. But then I have like half a dozen friends that are pregnant, so that is a whole new fight!
So, as I walk down the isle, and possibly take out a member of the clergy, remember…choose your bridesmaid dresses wisely, cause one day, there may be a dress with a big butt bow and puffy sleeves planned for you, in revenge.

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Aftermath, and Why Aren't I Mentioned In Textbooks?

So, as planned I attended the yearly family reunion yesterday. Of course Mr. Big decided to sleep in and miss the festivities…so I was left alone with the nut bags that are my extended family.

Macaroni cooler lady was there in full force. Much to my surprise though, she was in capris! We were so shocked by the lack of knit shorts that we just couldn’t control ourselves.

Family member in jail was there. She acted as if she were away at a resort though. “I’ll be back from my break in about six months”. And obviously they give prison highlights now instead of prison tattoos.

Best part of the day was when “crazy family member who thinks they are in charge, who no one really knows who they are” started her festivities. Let me paint the picture.

She brought her own karaoke machine. I do not lie. While we were all sitting around eating our questionable reunion food (I opted for the KFC on the table. I know the Kernel; he can’t mess up his chicken. It is finger lickin good.). Half way through my chicken leg I hear the craziness begin. “I know you are all still eating but we have to get this show on the road. Let’s all get up and stand in a circle and hold hands.” I kid you not. People started to file out of there at an alarming pace. My cousin and I decided to hang out for a minute to see what odd thing she had planned. She started passing around fabric flower petals to everyone. She then brought out a vase so as we stood in a circle, holding hands, we could drop our petal in the vase in memory of someone. She also added that she would be singing while they did this. Me and my cuz jumped ship at that point!

The absolute best part was before we all ate, crazy herself began to talk about our family. She stated that we were the first settlers. I believe that she meant we were the first settlers of that area, but they made it sound as if we had been on the same ship with old Chris Columbus. Being the smartasses that we are, me and my cousin made a field day of this, commenting on how there was no corn on the dinner table, or maize as the Indians taught us when our family first settled this land. I then wondered to myself which ship my great, great, great, great, great (etc) grand pappy was on, the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria. I figured it had the be the Pinta. It is kind of close to sounding like a Pinto car…and we are just that kind of family.

Either way, I am quite proud of my new found conquistador heritage.

And I am quite terrified to ever go back to my family reunion.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Oldie But a Goodie - Mom Is Losing It.

I found this old blog on my other site, and I had to post it here. I wanted to relive the funny.

Ok, so I am sure everyone has already heard me talk about my family. You know I have quite unique parents...I mean come on, haven't you heard me do my mom's voice? "Kelllaleee". Anyways, the follow is a very true and very real account of some funny as hell stuff that went down yesterday... all while I was at work...
The phone rings while I'm sitting up front at work...
It's mom...
"What's up mom?"
"Kelly, have you been down at my house takin a shower?" - This wouldn't be funny but I, as you know, live across the road from my parents...and have two quite functional showers already.
"Um, no...I have my own showers...why?"
"Are you sure"
"Yeah mom, I have my own...whats up with your shower"
"Well I have a white hair dryer and it's a blue one is laying in it's place"
"Maybe dad bought a new one mom...I mean don't even use a hairdryer so I know I didn't do it"
"Are you sure you didn't take it, you can tell me"
"Yeah mom, I do not use them..."
So that phone conversation ended...I thought it was over...oh no, that sneaky little hair dryer wouldn't be disreguarded that easily!
Bout 2 hours later...
"Kelly I asked your dad and he didn't touch it, are you sure you didn't take it?"
Dad is on the other phone...quite mad it seems
"Kelly just give you mom her damn hairdryer...she's jumpin on me about it and I didn't touch it"
"I don't have it guys, Have you seen my hair? I don't use a hair dryer!!!"
"Kelly, are you telling us that someone broke in our house and stole the hair dryer and replaced it with a blue one?"
"I guess they did!!! Why don't you just use the blue one?"
"It don't look too good... I mean I had a white one... Come on Kelly just bring it back, I won't be mad, just go ahead and give it back to me"
I think I hung up on both of them then
I call the sister...she had been called too...
"Sis I think our parents are slipping slowly into senility"
"Yeah, they are crazy as shit... I mean I don't even have a key to their house...guess I went down there and broke in and stole their hairdryer and replaced it with mine just to fuck with em"
I'll end the chatting there...cause as we all know my sister, the language just went on from there...
I recieved two more phone calls over the course of the night that went about the same way...
Let me end this by saying this morning mom comes to my house and tells me that she thinks something fishy is going on with her she thinks the crazy neighbor might have broke in or something.
Moral of this story...Mom and dad are getting matching hair dryers for christmas, one for each, with their name on it...and maybe a gift certificate to a mental health facility...
Oh, and if you are gonna steal someones hairdryer...I guess don't leave your own behind...that obviously just messes with em.

***I did get them matching dryers for christmas. They each had their names written on them in black marker. Mom opened hers and said "I still think you took it...."

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Stuffed Dead Deer and Macaroni Cooler Woman...Family Reunions

Anyone can say that they have a crazy family. But what is the actual determining factor that really helps your family cross that line from a little odd to all the way effing crazy? I promise you can usually find out…at your family reunion!

So our family reunion is this Sunday…in the mountains of North Carolina. As usual, I am going, with the BF, and we are going to sit back and watch the fun ensue. Let me paint the picture of our mountain reunion and why my family is way past crazy…

Our reunion is held in an old barn. That should put up red flags right away. There are youngins everywhere…cause you know the crazies like to reproduce. Then there are the family members you see there that you hate to admit are related to you…

In Charge - Crazy Old Woman, Who No One Knows
For the past 6 years or so there has been this little old woman who acts as if she is in charge of everything. She goes back and rearranges the food on the table, announces all kinds of deaths and births in the family for the previous year, and plans ODD games for everyone to play. Last year she gave everyone some fish tank rocks and walked around with a fish bowl telling everyone to put their marbles in the bowl in memory of someone, and tell everyone else about it. Me and all of my cousins couldn’t keep from laughing because EVERYONE was looking at her like she was crazy. I gave my rocks to my grandma and said she could do it, she knew more dead people than me. She told me she wasn’t doing it, that woman was crazy.

Best part, no one, including my granny, one of the main founders of the family, knows who this crazy woman is. We assume she just like to show up and act like she is in our family…

Macaroni Cooler Lady
This is a real treat in our family. Macaroni Cooler Lady is this loud obnoxious woman who always shows up in knit shorts with a huge igloo cooler full of crappy macaroni. That is all she brings. Every year, for as long as I can remember. Then when it is coming to a close she fills up the cooler with everyone’s leftovers and takes it home. We take bets every year what color knit shorts she will have on. Seriously. I hope I am VERY distantly related to her. I am putting my money on hot pink this year…

The Family Member in Jail
That’s right. This year my mom told me that she had to go to the reunion because her cousin was getting out of jail for the day to come see her. I believe she was in jail for running a meth lab? Nothing but class.

So folks, when you feel that your family is crazy just because your mom runs around the block in her house coat (I have done this) or because your dad collects stuffed dead animals (mine) or because your grandpa trolls the roads on his golf cart telling everyone to slow down (again, mine)…just remember…it could be worse.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Everybody Out of the Pool!

Everyone gets really real about loosing weight when they have a big reason to. Mine is an upcoming wedding I am in. All the the other bridesmaids and bride are petite to my 6 foot 2 inches and have little waists and big boobs. Um, again, not so much me! So I got serious about getting in shape. I can't be that one fugly bridesmaid.

So I joined to local YMCA. I have been going for a few weeks to aid in my fitness. I already walk the pups a couple miles most days. It's just so damn hot I wanted to run indoors!

I go today to the Y and get my jog on for a little while. Their treadmills are so badass, they each have flatscreen TVs on them! So I can watch my trashy reality TV shows while I am sweating.

After that I decided I would go for a swim. You know, do some laps. Let me paint the picture...

First off, I am quite tall, so I cam unable to wear a one piece bathing suit. I chose to wear a tankini. Full coverage mind you, but you can see all my tats when I wear it. So I walk out to the pool and take my towel off. All of a sudden there is a hush that comes over the pool. It seems that no one there had ever seen a lady person with a tattoo. My 3, totally not trashy tats seemed to have everyone shocked.

Well, I do an internal eye roll and get in my lane in the pool. I swim around for a while, amidst lots of kids and such. All of a sudden there is a commotion a few lanes over. I hear the "lifeguard" teenager blow his little whistle and tell everyone to get out. I then realize that there is no ladder close to me. And for some stupid reason I left my towel on the deep end (other side). So I decide to do the same thing as everyone else and do a little jump up on the side of the pool as to exit. As jumping up really fast to escape what ever was going on in the pool, My little too loose bottoms creeped down a bit. So everyone that was already whispering about my tattoos got a first hand glimpse of the top inch of my butt crack. Yeah, that is right! And if that was not I was walking my sinful tattooed ass back to the locker room, I saw what all the commotion was about...

Someone dropped a deuce in the pool.

That's right someone pooped in the swimming pool.

I am now rethinking my swimming habit. Ass crack and poop and all....

Monday, June 30, 2008

Home Sweet Home


Exactly one week at the beach with the whole family. Let me paint the picture…

Me, my man Biggs, Mom and Dad, the sis and her hubby and their two year old, and my dad’s fishing buddy Captain Wayne.

All of these people in one house for a week. Let’s just say that by Friday I was SO happy to see my house again. Mind you, it wouldn’t have been so bad if my bed wasn’t actually a wooden slab disguised as a bed. Oh, and if it were bigger than mine and Biggs combined asses. Since it was neither of these things, I woke up every ½ hour yelling at him to quit breathing on me and to get back on his side. And then there was the 7 AM 2 year old alarm every morning. I think the latest I slept the whole trip was until 7:45 AM. Nice huh? Also, I believe I ate my weight in desserts while I was there. So yeah, I am glad to be home in my comfy king size bed with lots of veggies and fruit in the fridge.

Coming back through our neighborhood we had to wait to let a flock of geese walk by. This is a normal thing in the hood. There are about 20 or so of them. They walk right out in front of you and walk butt ass slow across to the other side. I am cool with letting them do their thing because there are cute little babies and everything. Well I happened to notice that one goose had a knob where a foot should have been. So he had what looked like a peg leg! It was like a pirate! I got very sad about it and asked Biggs “but how does he swim?” He replied “in circles I guess”.

Oh and I just wanted to tell everyone, if you haven’t joined Etsy yet and started buying…you are a crazy person! I just bought the BEST lip balm in the entire world. I ordered 4 tubes and ended up getting 6 (she gives freebies!). I got grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich (love Elvis), pumpkin bars, carmel popcorn, buttered pancakes, plum rum, and pink mud. These bad boys are awesome. They smell so good!

Her address is

Well I am off to be productive! Check out my site, I just listed tons of new fun things!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Sweat Your Ass Off ♥

So, I know I am not the only one to notice that it is like 200 degrees outside here lately. I talk myself out of actually going places because I know that the heat will make me sweaty.

I sweat my ass off.

Ever heard the expression? If you are ever around foul mouth complainers (like myself) then I am sure you have.

How great would it be if it were actually true? Like you get out of your car after a long drive when the air conditioning is taking it's own sweet time to cool things off...and you look down. There it is! A little pile of ass that you sweated off. A little pile of fleshing looking material...dimples included. Woo hoo, look at me. A one hour hot car trip and I am a half size smaller! I, for one, would be suffering the heat a lot more often. I would come to work and be like "don't mind that, it's just some of my ass."

But alas...that is not the case!

What happens is you just sweat, even you ass.

It has happened to all of us. Your hanging out in the heat and everything, behind knees, forehead, cleavage, and the ass...all start to sweat. What is worse, when the sweat becomes noticeable to others. It is OK to be a sloppy mess for only you to know about...but when your sweaty pits or what have you begin to show signs on your clothes, you have a problem.

I went to an outdoor graduation Friday. One such woman was located directly in front of me. She was wearing too tight khaki shorts and odd clunky heels. As she bent over, I saw it. I sweat line going down the entire length of her butt seam. Come to think of it, as much sweat as it was, it was quite possible she WAS sweating her actual ass off.

So I leave you with this. Be cool and try to stay dry on these hot summer days. But, if that is not an option. Be like me, and wear a nice knit sundress out, so all the crack sweat will never be noticeable. And if you see me out, in said dress, just assume that I am losing that ass, as we speak.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I'll Cut you! Well...Maybe Not.

WHOOO! I know, I have been gone a while. I was finishing up this semester and plotting the death of a few teachers, bosses, and political figures. Not really…well maybe there was a bit of talk about cutting someone. One of my crazy ass old teachers gave me a C. A totally NON-deserved C. So yeah, I’ll cut her. AND I have been accepted into not one, but TWO honor societies. One that is national, one that is for the school…which is a huge deal. Not many people get in. Oh, and for this, the school is offering me NO scholarships. And the fact that I am a minority at my school, no scholarships. But they do want me to take the $11,000 in loans they have offered, so I can be in debt for the rest of my life. So, I have to go cut someone at the financial aid office this afternoon.
I am in the market for a new job, mainly because I hate mine these days. You would think that going to work with 70 dogs everyday would be fun…but really…not so much. Well, it is mainly my boss and the waking up at the butt ass crack of dawn. I just need a change. I don’t think I can do this for the next year until I finish college. Blah.
Oh, I found a new place to walk the pups in the lovely Greensboro. Actually is out where Mr. Biggs’ dad works (Senior Biggs). Bur Mil Park. Basically you just walk around Lake Brandt. I love it! We are going to have to start going like every day. The weight has got to go! I have been eating so many veggies lately! I am so proud!
Lets see, other than that…I have been super busy making jewelry. I hit 51 sales this morning. That is super exciting for me! I have also started selling earrings and rings. You should totally check out my new 80s inspired items. For Sure!
I hope everyone have a fabulous day!

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

"Sex in Greensboro"...It just doesn't have the same ring to it...

Who else is just about to pee their pants in anticipation for the Sex and the City movie?
I, for one, am. I LOVED LOVED LOVED the show. I own all the seasons and watch them everytime I sew. I bet I have seen every episode atleast 35 times each. Seriously. No Lie. I love that show that freakineg much. I guess it has something to do with wanting to be like these women. I love their clothes and attitudes. I love it all.
For some reason, I just don't think that I can dress like that in Greensboro. Also, I feel that if I were to sleep with that many people, in the area where I live, I feel I might get a name for myself, as my mom would say.
I want to get all dressed up in fancy clothes and heels (of course) and go see the movie, cosmo in hand. Any volunteers to be my Samantha...cause I am totally a Carrie. :)

Check out my store this week! I am now including a kitschy gift pouch with every item!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

I'm Famous! (in my own head)

Yep, the time has come. All of you will be able to say "I knew her when...". I'm famous. All you lesser people bow before me!

Of course I am just playing! I am excited though! I was featured in a blog today! The blogger is this super sweet woman I met on CafeMom. She is a fabulous photographer. I am just so excited to have met her. She is the sweetest lady. Here is a link to her blog. Go check it out, and look at the other sellers she has featured. There is some real talent on there!

Leave a comment for her! She will love that! Check out her photos...priceless!

Oh, besides being fabulous and famous, I am preparing for exams. I will be so glad when this semester is over! I am going to spend the whole summer working, taking online classes, and making lots of new stuff for my etsy. Also, me and the sis are doing the fall festival in Asheboro, NC. So go ahead and mark the first week of October on your calendars!

Oh yeah, I am making rings now! Check them out! Like my necklaces, they are totally customizable! (this weekend I will be working on earrings!)

Tonight I am supposed to be spending time with my favorite cousins. I am excited cause I feel like with school I have had no time to see anyone. I want to go roller skating. How gangster is that?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Chuncky Butt and The End Is In Sight!

Hi all! So, it is official. I am a chunky butt. That's right, I am! They say admitting it is the first step :) I joined weight watchers a week ago to cure my self of the second freshman 40 I have gained in my life. I didn't realize that was true if you were going back to school at my age. Mr Biggs is loving this whole dieting thing because it means that I am cooking a lot more. He doesn't really care for the fact that what I am cooking has a lot less butter and added baddness, but he loves food none the less.

Also, I am am in the homestretch of becoming a senior. This is a big deal because i have been in school on and off for almost a decade (college that is). So, yeah, I will graduate next year with a degree in Family and Consumer Science Education. Basically that means I will get to teach all of the Home Ec types classes. I am super excited!

Check out the stor to see my new wrap skirts!

Monday, April 14, 2008

When Life Gives You Lemons...

You make a kick ass lemon skirt!!!!

Check it out! This is my new "creation"! This is a retro style reversable wrap skirt. One side features kelly green fabric and two little embroidered lemons. The other side is made of an awesome lemon printed fabric. THere is a yellow ribbon going all the way around the skirt that is long enough to wrap around and tie on the other side if wanted. There are buttons on both sides so you can wear this sucker however you want. And he most cool part is when you walk, you can see the underside. This skirt is really too cute!!
BTW - I had no model, so I had to photo these laying on the bed. I'll get some better pics! (Mr Biggs said these weren't his he wouldn't try it on for the pics!)
Let me know what you think!

Check me out on

Domestic Diva and Mr Biggs Loves Hooters

So all weekend long I was so domestic. Saturday after I got off work I came home and cleaned for like 9 hours straight. I figured it was time because there were dog hair tumbleweeds floating across the floor. I am tallking my house is CLEAN! I told Mr Biggs that the living room was so empty after I put everything where it belonged that I could hear my voice echo!
So yesterday i woke up and went to the evil grocery store. I say that because it is the closest one to my house and all the teenagers who work there are mean and have total attitude because I am bothering them by making them do their job of checking me out and baggin my groceries. Mr Biggs was sp excited to have groceries in the house that he almost helped me put them up! Instead he decided to heat up the leftover hooters wings and sat on his butt and watched tv. Gotta love him.
Then, the most super exciting thing...
I spent yesterday sewing! I made the cutest skirt! I have to sew some snaps on it this evening after I get out of class, but other than that, it is fabulous! I will have to post pics of it tonight!
Well I am off to my last day of the intership from hell.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

I prefer reality TV to my own reality. And I'm getting OLD!

So. It happened this week. I’m old.
At 26 (almost 27), I have decided that I am old.
I was watching top 100 songs of the 90’s on VH1, and I started to say to myself, “Self, why don’t they make music like this anymore?” Now mind you, this was the decade of “I’m too sexy” and “Achey Breaky Heart”. There were people commenting on Nirvana being this iconic band, and how long it had been. I can still remember going to freshman (high school) earth science and seeing a guy wearing one of those shirts with Kurt Cobain’s death certificate on the front. I mean, that was 13 years ago now! I was just sitting on the couch, thinking I could actually feel the grey hair coming in! I kept thinking to myself, “man, I need to put this on a mixed CD; they never play good music like this anymore!” How pathetic is this?
Also, speaking of VH1, who else is addicted to their reality shows? I mean if you put 15 skanks in a house competing for something, I will watch it. But I LOVE Rock of Love. Mainly cause I remember my neighbor in college stumbling across the Brett Michael’s Porn… (Yeah, ROCK of love). I love this show because all the girls are so out there! I mean I want to meet people like this in real life. Like this crazy Daisy chick. Wow. I mean come the hell on. I sit in the bed watching this every week (in the bed cause me and Biggs are so old and have to be in bed early so we won’t fall and break our hips or something) and I ask Jeremy “Do you think she is pretty because I don’t see it.” He always says…”I don’t know. No.” Thankfully Biggs is a Butt man, cause I got butt, man.
Also, speaking of reality TV, I love BRAVO’s shows. Right now, The Real Housewives of New York is on. It is disgusting. The fact that these airheaded women have so much money and spend it on so much nothing, is crazy. I mean some of them are in their 40’s and they sound like I did in college. Blah. Rich Bitches.
Yeah, so I have big plans this weekend to master a mold for us girls with extra large hands. These bitch bangle molds are too freaking small for people with normal hands. So yeah, check out the shop next week for new bangles! And if the eBay lady ever sends me my cups, there will be lots of new everything. AND>>>>I am going to start sewing this weekend! Bomchickawahwah!

Night All!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The lady lumps, humps, and queer dogs

So, I think that I have hit that point where I know I need to go on a diet. My “Lovely Lady Lumps” have become bigger than ever, my “Humps” are quite round these days (so my sister informed me), and I got a bit more jiggle than I think I need. I think that fact that I am admitting this is good. Now, if only that excitement for losing weight can be translated into the pounds falling off.
So me and the pups get all geared up to go for a walk in the neighborhood. I had to buy Skeeter a harness today because he is such a chunk that he can slip out of any collar because his neck is thicker than his head. The only harness that was left was this black one with different neon colored tennis balls all over it. Skeeter officially looks queer. So I get everyone all buckled up and they pull me up the street.
There are so many “characters” in this neighborhood. You have the guy that lives next door to me that reminds me of that neighbor from “Home Improvement”. He is always starring over the fence at me, but never speaks. Not so much as a hey while he is ALWAYS starring at me. I just want to be like “yeah, my dogs are taking a crap, can I help you?’. Then there are the weirdos that feel that they are so important that they need to walk their dogs in the MIDDLE of the street. I could just run up to these folks and poke them in their eye. Let’s not forget those retched people that feel that they are so important that they do not have to bend over and pick their dogs crap up. I mean I know I look stupid carrying around a bag of poo but, come on, it is the nice thing to do!
Anyways, wish me luck as me and my chunky dogs try to lose a little bit of poundage. I’m off to eat some spinach, bitches!

Check out the shop, there are tons of new things going on every day!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Spring Time Disease

Like tons of Americans, I suffer from allergies. When spring time rolls around, I am miserable. While all the other little boys and girls were outside running around and rolling in the grass...I was inside with scratchy eyes and toilet paper shoved up my nose. So every year when spring begins I ready myself for the hell that is pollen.

So, Sunday I celebrated Easter with my family by being outside, at a pond, fishing. You can imagine how all of my mucus celebrating extremities celebrated this. I had full on snot disease with bouts of hail force sneezes. Not to mention the severe swimmy headedness and the swollen, itchy, red eyes. My Grandma gave me some prescription Claratin. That just made me more swimmy headed.

Finally me and Mr Biggs decide that we should hit the road back to home. All the way I am ring with the head cocked back as to hold the snot in. We come across the CVS and Biggs says he will go in for me. I tell him exactly this " I want Benadryl. Lots of it. Get me the sleepy kind and the non-sleepy kind. I don't care if it is name brand or off brand. Just get it for me. My symptoms are sneezy-ness, runny nose, and itchy eyes. Now go and fetch." I gave him a $20 and sent him on his way.

Minutes later, he returns. He throws this bag on my lap and goes, "Uh, they didn't have what you wanted. Here this is for a stuffy head". I open the bag and it is one of the day/night two packs of Nyquil and Dayquil.

I looked at Biggs and said "what about my long spiel on Allergies, snot disease, and such made you think that I had a cold"? I then informed him that Nyquil doesn't cure anything but conscienceness. I am glad to know that in a whole drug store, there is no allergy medicine to be found. Also, might I add, I received no change.

So, today, I sit here still suffering from the snot disease. But if I start to feel a cold coming on, I will be fully prepared!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Irritation, and general life I guess

I have to say, I am irritated. I just started a flickr account. I was browsing around looking for groups to join to display the things that I am making for etsy.
Let me just start this by saying, I sew. I have always sewn. I recently discovered resin and I though "hey, that looks neat". Well I started making things and I thought I would put it on Etsy and try to sell it. Mind you I have not made a SINGLE sale yet. Well as I was looking around Flickr I saw this girl who also sells resin on etsy. She had made a pendant that said "eat @#$%". She said it was dedicated to all the copycat people on etsy that make resin stuff. She said there were 4 people. She named two of them. I assume I am one of them because I also put sprinkles in things and blah blah blah.
You know, I have never looked at anything on etsy and said "I am going to copy that and sell it'! I make things, in my opinion that look totally different than hers! I put buttons ands a lot of glitter in my stuff! It just makes me mad because she had all these people on there that were bashing the other people and saying that they would spread the word not to buy from these people! that is shit! I mean come one! How many people sell kids clothes on there, you know? How many people sell aprons and hats? I am sure they don't all talk smack and tell people not to buy from the other people! I feel like they sell the same stickers and charms and buttons in my town, why the hell can I not put sprinkles in my necklace???
Well I have news for this bitch. I hate to say it but she is a bitch. On her site she was calling everyone else that did resin a bunch of "thieving cunts". So yeah, I will call her a bitch.
I do sew, and I am about to start making something that is so much way cooler than her stoopid self has ever seen.
On top of that, you are all gonna be so excited to see my new resin idea. TOTALLY NEW<> NOT STOLLEN AT ALL...
Sorry to vent, it just make me mad. Only my sis is allowed to call me a cunt :)

In general life news, I am so excited about easter. Well not the whole bunny part, but the getting to be out of school and getting to see my family. About a year ago I moved 40 minutes away from my family that I had always lived across the road from. I only get to see them about once a week now, and miss them terribly!
Oh, and I totally love easter for the candy!!!

Well I am off to finish working and then to go to the SEWING store so I can make some cool things:)

Thanks for reading!!!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008


Hi everyone! So thois is my first blog on here, so I will try to make it interesting.

Lets see. I currently intern at a local middle school and it is HELL. These kids are the devil's spawn, I swear. They cuss, hit, kick, spit, throw things...It is so out of control. Last week one boy (seventh grade) yelled across the room to another girl that she was just made because everyone knew she let him put it in her "poopoo hole". Kid you not. She then yelled back that he was just mad cause he had a little "thingie". This went back and forth DURING class. All the teacher said was "now ya'll." Yesterday they had to make fruit smoothies and the kids kept talking about how they smelled like they had vodka in them. Then they started on how good they would be with vodka in them...7th graders! This is our future ya'll!

Other than that, school is just the usual bore. I have to present my genogram today in my family systems class (PS, I am in school for Family and Consumer Science Education which is just a fancy name for Home Ec and such). This is kind of like a family tree. Well I have to talk about my family for like 8 minutes. Mind you, I go to a HBCU so I am the only white person in my class. I am totally fine with that, it is just that the teacher is forever pointing out that I am the only white person. So I have to get up and talk about my family to these kids. I'm just not excited to be like "and these are my redneck cousins and yeah, I hate most of this part of the family...blah blah blah". I feel that buisness needs to be behind closed doors!

Me and Mr. Biggs (My man) are doing very well. He is on 1st shift 12 hours this week instead of his normal 2nd shift 8 hours, so he is in rare form. We had a super romantic night last night, we both got home at about 7:30 from work and school and went to the Taco Bell. Yeah, he knows how to treat a lady. I am still on his case about the ring....

Other than that, thsi day has been fairly boring, sitting behind the desk at work! I am off to school soon until 9 PM tonight :(.

I am super excited about this blog! Thanks for looking!

As always, check out my Etsy at
I love custom orders, I can make anything your heart desires!!!